First off, this is just a depressing rant. So beware.
I keep on having nightmares non-stop. Really freaking bad ones. I've been staying up till four everynight mostly, and waking up at 1 wanting to sleep even more. I don't know why the hell I'm so freaking tired, but it's like I can't get enough sleep. My emotions have been going haywire this week. Escpecially jealousy, hate, love, and regret.

I really just don't want to talk to anyone. I want to lock myself up in my room and stare at the ceiling all day. Everything is running through my head at a frightening pace, and it's all hitting me smack dead in the face. I miss my grandpa. It's been 6 years since his death, but seeing his grave a week ago made me long for him. I regret not spending enough time with him. I was too caught up in my aunt. And then beside my grandfather's grave, there was the most beautiful grave I had ever seen. It was a big, black, glossy tombstone with writing on it in white cursive. A picture of a beautiful girl was on it, only around the age of 18. It had a picture of the beach on it, a quote from her as well. She died of a heartattack on the beach a year ago.

It was father's day when I saw this. I thought, "Here I am mourning my grandfather, and this girl's own father has to deal with his daughter being dead this year." My parents are very good friends with this girl's parents. And I remember meeting her at one time. she was the nicest, most genuine person I had met. She was so sweet. Why do the goodest of people have the horrible endings?

Is love made of more pain than happiness? Honestly, does anyone really know that answer? Pain, pain, pain. That's all I can think about right now. Sure, I've had some happy moments with those I love. But is it really worth it? Worth all the intoxicating jealousy? I hate how much jealousy is apparent with my feelings. I wish I could hide how I feel better. I wish my voice didn't change when I'm happy, sad, amused, or jealous. I wish someone could see past my facade for once in my damn life. Just for someone to say it's your fault. Everything's your fault. I don't want anyone to be close to me. I want to push everyone away. I crave to have people love me, and to love them, but I always end up pushing everyone away. why is that?

My heart is torn in two. Someone I've been in love with since he'd been dating my best friend, and the one that can see through my facade. I don't want to be anything more than friends with my best friend. He's too precious to me to even consider dating. I love him, but I don't know why it's so different than the way I feel for the other person. My best friend can make me smile so much that my cheeks hurt, cry so much that my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest. What do I feel for you? It will always be onesided love for you, I know that. I'm painfully aware of that. but do I really mind it? Is it because I've gotten so used to you not loving me? I can't seem to get over you, but I can't push you out of my life. I just want you to be happy, and I know it's impossible for me to be the source of your happiness. We can carry on for hours without it getting awkward or bored.

You, the one who came along. The only one that can see through this damn facade I have up. I'm not sure if I like that or not. One side of me does, the side that's been waiting for you to come. The other side of me wants to push you away more than anyone else. I don't want you to be able to read my feelings so well like you do. It scares me how you can see right through me. You calm my nerves. You calm the anger that builds up inside me, make it barely visible. Without you I really don't know what I would do. I would go crazy with horrible emotions, the emotions you seem to calm. You say you love me, and I really do wish I could fully believe you. I don't know anymore, I just don't. Do you really love me? Or is it just 'like'? It scares me how serious I am about you. I get so nervous and embarassed around you, my heart skyrockets and my face heats up. It's so obvious that I'm in love with you. You make me want to forget how bad of a person I really am. I want to think that I deserve you. But I don't. I really don't. I get so jealous over you, so sad over you. So happy over you. I wake up in the morning hugging my pillow, wishing it were you. I trust you, which is frightening. trust is something I had thrown away after my aunt had broken and shredded that trait.Or at least I had thought I had thrown it away. I'm not the one you love the most, I know that. I wish I was, I really do. I don't stop thinking about you for an instant, not even a fraction of a second. I wish you were by my side everyday. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I can't say I love you. I'm sorry that I can't say I miss you. It's because I love you so much, I can't find my voice to say it back.


...yeah I'm sorry about this massive rant. Sorry for taking up space.